February 14th.
That one bloody day a year with the sole purpose of reminding you that you are – contrary to the digits-filled pages of your little black book – quite single.
It’s like you can’t even go out to grab the paper without running into more pink bunnies than an underground Energizer orgy. Who needs all that yucky, gushy, Hallmark-infested nonsense anyway, right?
Pay no mind to those lovey dovey couples mincing down the street. What those suckers don’t know is secretly, Valentine’s Day is the best time for solo lads like yourself to prove that being spoken for is overrated. This is why we whipped up this special guide of things for you to do in the name of anti-love. Now go out and paint the town red.
1. Grab these two new horror flicks. Invite like-minded buddies over. Enjoy.
This is the other way to celebrate all things gooey, gushy and generally red. Because nothing kills V-Day dead like a good old-fashioned gore fest.
Quarantine (2008) A distress call from an elderly lady in a low rent L.A. apartment sends a fire response team and a TV crew to investigate. Once inside, they all start dropping like flies to a rabid virus and start eating each other. It’s good fun.
Vinyan (2008) Paul and Jeanne never left Phuket, Thailand, where the 2004 tsunami swept their son Joshua away to god knows where. But they haven’t given up hope. Convinced he’s been sold to child traffickers, their daunting search leads them to a jungle inhabited by feral children who dress like ewoks and skin their prey like Hannibal Lecter.
2. Go driving at an indoor range. Pretend the balls are Cupid’s.
Just because it’s as cold as death outside doesn’t mean you can’t get an early start on your sweet stroke. Call your golfer comrades up and take to an indoor driving range. By the time the links open up you’ll be unbeatable.
3. Start a cigar club and hit a lounge. We suggest rounding up a few Romeo & Juliets along with some of your friends and doing the town proper. Depending on how pert you’re all feeling (or how much money you’ve got to burn), you could tour the town’s finest cigar lounges, or find a low key jazz bar and retire with some good music and strong drink. Wherever you go, it’s unlikely you’ll find couples. In some districts, cigar smoke is practically girl repellant.
