It used to be your cell was really cool if it wasn’t as big as a brick. Now, we’ve got phones that are web browsers, GPS devices, mp3 players, video game consoles, and pretty much anything else you could possibly imagine. Unfortunately, with all the rise of these gadgets, people are still the same jerks they’ve ever been, and now, we get to hear them in public. Sharp tells you how not to be one of them.

1. Don’t keep the phone on where lots of people are gathered to do something that requires their attention. This includes Church, movies, funerals, mass cult weddings, hostage negotiations, the Second Coming, Shakespeare in the Park, interventions, and parole board hearings.

2. Don’t leave the phone on when people are there to see you who are more important than you. If you take a call while someone is talking with you, you are saying that that person is more important than what you’re currently talking about. Unless you’re going for spite, in which case Sharp endorses taking the call.

3. Don’t speak loudly into the phone in public, or speak out potentially embarrassing conversations. There are just some conversations that the public was never meant to hear. If you are about to have a conversation that wouldn’t be rated PG-13, or is related to any kind of medical condition, ask them to call you back later.

4. Don’t have a ringtone that isn’t a generic ring. Let’s get something clear. With your cell phone, the cell phone ring is designed to alert you that someone wants to speak with you. It’s for function, not form. And anything that’s not a generic ringtone becomes annoying the third time we hear it.

5. Don’t use Bluetooth unless you’re driving. We are convinced that paranoid schizophrenics with Messiah complexes could successfully evade capture by the mental health authorities if they stuck a Bluetooth on themselves somewhere. Save it for your car.

6. Don’t leave funny voicemails. Funny voicemails stopped being funny after the 90s, or, when everyone got over the novelty of being able to tape-record your own messages. Speak up, don’t leave any awkward pauses, leave your name, and if you’re really going for it, an alternate number to be reached at.

7. Don’t put your cellphone in a carrying case or on a belt. Your life will not be any faster because you can grab it from your belt instead of your pocket. Put it in a jacket pocket, if possible.